I've got you hooked haven't I? You're wondering how in the hell Courtney managed to lose her eyebrows. Was it a swipe and smudge incident? Did she leave them at a mall and fill in a missing eyebrow report? Did something scare her so dramatically that they jumped from her face? Or was it something far more sinister?
(cue dramatic music)
My answer to all of the above is maybe, yes, no, I don't know, why are you grilling me? Good gracious!
Before I set the scene, let me throw some background nonsense your way: to understand the trauma of this event you need to first understand that I am a natural blonde. My hair colour currently sits at a dark red-brownish colour, so suffice to say: I do not naturally have dark eyebrows. In fact if I dont tint them or colour them in-I look like a boiled egg. Dramatic but you get the point. So it had been a while since I last tinted my eyebrows. The reason for this was about 60% laziness and 40% fear of colouring outside of the lines-yeah that is as bad as it sounds (imagine Charlie Chaplin's moustache...but above my eyes.)
Okay background filled in...on with the story we go! Hazaar
So this event happened a couple Friday's ago. I woke up early to lecture during my 7:30am class (yes you heard that right! 7:30AM FRIDAY MORNING CLASS and I lecture it so I cant even skip it!!) I head to my car sans breakfast or coffee because I prioritised 20 minutes of extra sleep over a healthy breakfast and good start to the day.
At this point birds may as well have been singing to me, I was on time, my make up (and eyebrows that I'd filled in that morning) were looking fresh, my shirt had a funny saying on it, my nails had googly eyes on them-I felt good.
I arrive at the varsity-they let me in, which is great!
Sidebar: due to my stubbornness I have yet to get a parking disk. Initially it was because I didnt know how and I was too proud to ask (I know a truly adult feature) this initial response resulted in me essentially sneaking onto campus for 4 months. I have a system...also I have a staff card and they're usually quite chilled once they see that I'm not a student here to start the viva le reviolution! (read that with an accent) Also my picture is terrible, my hair does this whoosh thing in it, not a whoosh that looks natural and wind blown but more like a whoosh that looks scary and wind tunnel-y. So this mixed with pity and a familiarity of my face usually gets me a spot. But now I figure it's time to put my big girl pants on and get the disk-also save myself the speeches and excuses (of which there are many-did I use a fake name once? Yes? Will I tell you the story? No...well maybe...depends on if you buy me a drink first...) So I've asked who, what, when, where, why, the ritual sacrifices necessary and what I should wear on the day...so that's in the process, until then my excuses are still going strong and my stealth mode is amazing. Just call me Tink, Courtney Tink. Shaken not stirred-and that's just my emotional state.
Now where was I? Ah yes I arrive on campus. It's early so I bag a beautiful parking spot! Like 10/10. If this parking spot was a person it would be an adonis with golden skin, wavy hair, an eight-pack and eight-figure bank account, probably magical super powers and a British accent. Do you get the idea? Also do you know this person in real life? If so, hook a sister up!
So I stroll over to my lecture and they're all there. My favorite thing about first years, semester 1, is how nervous they are. They haven't figured out that you're in their age bracket yet (6 years is still a loooooot to them), everything you say they assume is in the "test." You tell them they'll fail for referencing wrong and their big eyes widen with fear-it's great, I love it. So I'm going through the assignment with my class and I realise "Eegads I haven't collected the study guides I promised them."
So I finish up the lecture with time to spare and then I tell them that I'll go and get their study guides quick. Before leaving the room I lovingly shouted out "please don't rob me while I'm gone!" What?? I was kidding! Sort of...
Two things should have gone off in my head here 1.) these books are hella far away and they are heavy 2) consistent gymming had not been a thing of late until recently, so I was unfit with the arm strength of pasta left in water too long. However if you know anything about me, you'll understand that I am unnecessarily stubborn-often to my own detriment. As a result, instead of asking for help (LIKE I SHOULD HAVE) I decided to do it Star Wars style-Han Solo...get it? Did I do it right?
So off I go. Over the parking lot. Passed the CSC. Up the few stairs into the humanities building. Into the elevators. Up to the 17th floor and into the copy room.
The exact moment I realised I had screwed up was when I dragged two giant boxes into the elevator and my heart was already pitter-pattering and not in a romantic "oh hot damn, that guy is fiiiiiine" kinda way but rather in a "will I get a heart attack and die? Is this how I go?" kinda way.
Thus my marathon to the Thuto building began. I began to carry. With a box in each arm I probably resembled the "before" video in any fitness montage. I had to stop every few minutes. My hand ached from the straps I held on each box. Sweat beaded on my forehead and worse of all...people kept staring at me, but like how you stare at a crazy person who carries a bag of cats around and asks each passing person what year it is instead of the time. That kind of crazy. Also. ALSO. ALSOOOO not a single person asked to help me. I would love to say it's because I looked like I had everything together, that I looked fit and suave, but I know for a FACT that I did not look put together, I looked unfit and soggy. Like a pair of socks left in the rain.
I know I'm going on about this but you need to understand my pain. Of which there was a lot.
So I finally drag these boxes into the elevator-up to the 4th floor and into the classroom. While I was dragging all I could think of was: Please don't let this lecture end, they will leave and someone will rob me.
But I got there in time (booyah) at this point I'm a sweaty mess. I open the boxes, rasp out that the students can grab their books and then I make a fatal mistake. If this was a Game Tape the coach would take this moment, pause and draw a big, red, ugly circle on the screen. I took the back of my hand to wipe up my sweat and DID NOT THINK. So then some students come up and ask questions, I answer while wiping my forehead every couple of seconds. They leave. I pack up and then I look at my hand. There's a dark smudge on it. I look at my other hand-no smudge. I go back and forth between hands until it hits me like a brick to the head: MY EYEBROWS. Frantically I whip out my phone and put on the front facing camera. My eyebrow has melted (yes you read that right) melted into my eyeshadow. I am missing an eyebrow and the other one looks like custard on a plate-which isn't pretty.
I look through my bag-I always keep concealer. Today it's GONE! Because in an effort to get more organised I emptied my bag.
I know what I need to do.
I need to get in my car, get to Dischem and buy concealer and an eyebrow pencil, which is exactly what I do, I stumble down the aisles looking like Quasimodo while clutching my eyebrow like a wounded baby bird.
The only catch is that not only have I lost an eyebrow (RIP Leroy) I have now lost my hot parking spot.
When I return for my conceal don't feel operation and head up to my office (after finding a crappy parking space) I dig through my bag for a pen. What do I find instead? That's right. My concealer. I will just leave that there because on a scale of 1 to even I just CANT.
I have learnt 3 valuable things from this experience.
1.) Tint your damn eyebrows-which I do now.
2.) If any of you need a gym workout I have some boxes for you to use
3.) I do not have the necessary skills for the Zombie-Apocalypse. I have since joined a gym and am working on developing another necessary skill required during said Apocalypse. I have also been preparing by watching Umbrella Academy. Since this realisation I have been aligning myself with people who will be of use to me during the Zombie Apocalypse. They know who they are as I have told them that they will be useful during the apocalypse. This includes some of my students...they don't like being told "you'll be of great use in the apocalypse" but it is what it is.
And there you have it-the day I lost my eyebrows. Care for your eyebrows, because if you don't treat them right-they will abandon you.
Okay, cool, kay, thanks, bye.